November 24 2012 Check In

Tomorrow is our 5th Advanced Herbalism class. When I took the Foundations class, we met monthly and began each session with a check-in. Everyone had the opportunity to share what they learned in the last month. It was an amazing experience. We learned more about each other and more about ourselves as well. But there was an additional benefit for me, at least: the process allowed me to mark time. I had to be very conscious of the time that had passed since the last class, and to summarize what the month had been like for me. I want to re-create that experience, to track my observations and development AND to be more conscious of time passing. I can't believe it's our fifth class, I can't believe November is almost over, I can't believe I'm in my 30s- I want to believe it, I want to have a sense of Now because I appreciated many Nows up to this one.

Consequentially, here goes!
I had been struggling with- well, what? Depression, apathy, mental fatigue, loss of purpose, overabundance of minor and major crises- I was low. I had gone to see someone that my teacher Maia suggested the week of our last class, and again since class. She is lovely, and I think being able to simply dump the chaos in my head, and explain my current "me" to someone who hasn't met me before, helped me organize my thoughts and feelings and stand back up again.

I have also learned that my vehicle, vitally important where I live, is running on borrowed time. I seem to get smacked around by the universe when I try to take too much time off from the things I really do need to do. I've known that my car is one of Several projects that require my attention. Writing in this blog is another. And yet...

I joined the Chopra Center 21 Day Meditation Challenge that began on Nov 5. In our last class, we were also assigned a daily writing exercise- 3 pages or 15 minutes of pen-to-the-page, don't-stop-don't-think-don't-correct Stream of Consciousness journaling. So this is 30 minutes every day of time for myself, time for my brain, my sanity, my clarity. It has been REALLY HARD to be consistent!  I finally timed myself today and found out that 1 page of my handwriting takes 15 minutes, which means I've been spending much more time trying to get to 3 pages. This explains, in part, why I've been so reluctant to do this on busy days. I am many days behind on meditating. It requires sound, so I don't do it when others are around- when my boyfriend is over, even though he is all for it, or when I'm at work and now I'm just making excuses.

Today, to write, I used a Meditation Reminder app on my new phone that will time me with nice bell chimes, track my consistency, and has alerts for when I don't run the app by a certain time every day. This might be a tool that helps me on a daily basis. When the Meditation Challenge ends I will set up 2 daily meditation reminders, and refer back to a series from the challenge that I copied into my Calender to continue meditating daily.

The 21 meditations are $40 instead of $50 through Jan 13 2013, and if I actually continue this I will reward myself with buying them. If I flake out, I will keep coming back until I find a way to meditate and write regularly. I Know it's important for me, but I very easily dismiss, downplay and marginalize my own importance. Perhaps this will help me practice Positive Self, too.