I’ve been working on Heart Opening during the past 2 weeks, leading up to today’s New Moon, under the assumption that I would be releasing blocks and barriers. I’m not sure that is the way of it, though!

Over these past weeks, I’ve had some interactions with others that have made me think about this, and about my Heart Protector meridian that my acupuncturist has worked on.

These interactions were potentially angry, upsetting, or deeply frustrating situations that I seem to have handled very differently than usual, surprising myself a little afterwards. In each of them, I was able to very clearly say, “No.”

• No, I won’t argue with you.
• No, I didn’t say any of those things. Here is what I did say…
• No, that is not acceptable. I asked for…
• No, please don’t sit down. I am very busy. (This was directed at my neighbor, who seems to think me working on my computer at my backyard table is an invitation to join me and tell me all his aches and complaints.)

It’s not that I’m averse to saying No- I’ve actually had more practice at it than the average bear, I think. What was different was an underlying belief that I was perfectly within my rights to assert myself. I had no guilt, no shame, no discomfort, no defensiveness. My attitude was, This is what I need/want/require/expect, and that’s it. It felt good, and empowering, and easy.

In the past, even the very recent past, these situations would have left me very unsettled and uncomfortable, wracked with unease or annoyance and replaying the conversation in my head over and over. These disquieting emotions are ones that I have aggressively avoided for the past several years. It takes a lot of energy to have them and deal with them! So I had slammed the gates of my emotional center closed against these types of interactions altogether.

Now, in addition to “opening” my heart and allowing caring, genuine people back into my life, it seems that I am also being called on to develop that Heart Protector rather than just encounter it. Heart Opening seems to involve well-oiled and re-fortified gates, and it will take some practice to open and close them as needed, appropriately, not according to fear.

I’m going to keep working on this through this next moon phase, as we approach the June Full Moon and the Summer Solstice. I still have Rose/Tahini herb balls in my fridge, there’s a rosebush in front of my apartment budding out, and I have my next acupuncture appointment tomorrow. It’s going to be quite a summer!

 My great teacher, Maia Toll, has announced her next transition. She is closing one of her two Herbiary shops in Philadelphia, and relocating with her husband Andrew and their dogs to Asheville NC to set up there. I am simultaneously happy and sad. I suppose ‘sad’ doesn’t quite do it justice- bereft is more appropriate!

 I grew up with herbal medicine. I told everyone that’s what I was going to do with my life, from my earliest memories. I just had no idea what that meant. So my passion and dreams slipped away, off the back burner and into the back porch on a dusty shelf.

One day in March 2010 I met Maia. She gave a workshop at an event I was attending, and I was excited enough to join her break-out session that afternoon. The drive home was full of discussions about her and her teachings. There was something both professional and welcoming about her style- she knew what she was talking about and she wanted to share it with us. Later that spring I was gifted a spot in her Foundations of Community Herbalism class. The rest of my world promptly went severely out of focus and into total chaos; I was suddenly being given the chance to reinvent myself and find my Truth. It was there, sill in the back porch, waiting. Maia had opened up the space in me that needed those old dreams of mine.

These last 4 years have been amazing, and awe-inspiring, and just wonderful. Maia has become someone who gives me great hugs, who came to see me settled in my new apartment because she’s happy I have a home, who trusted me with her dogs when she was out of town, who has been a guiding light and a genuine supporter of me. I love her as a teacher and a colleague and a friend.

That’s why I’m also so very very happy for her. She is so excited to move on, to have the next adventure, and to change again. I’ve seen many iterations of Maia in 4 years- some I just watched, and some I got to be involved with (very exciting stuff!) I know this is her next phase, it’s the natural progression of the world. I just can’t mourn her loss, that feels too selfish to me, this is just too right for her.

Of course, I've been able to see her often! After next week, it’s all over. She’ll have vanished from my orbit, and then I’ll find myself missing her terribly. But hopefully we won’t lose touch, and I’ll get to see her evolve into her next guise, bigger and better than Philly could ever let her be.

In one of my favorite books, Anne of Green Gables, Anne and her best friend have to say goodbye to their favorite teacher at the same time that Anne finishes her time as a student of that country school. The scene is full of images of their past together and probable future apart, but there are a few lines that I’m expecting to live out at our class retreat next week:

“It does seem as if it was the end of everything, doesn’t it?” [Diana] said dismally…Two big tears rolled down by Diana’s nose.

“If you would stop crying I could,” said Anne imploringly. “Just as soon as I put away my hanky I see you brimming up and that starts me off again. As Mrs. Lynde says, ‘If you can’t be cheerful, be as cheerful as you can.’”

Even when I’m crying, I’ll be cheerful on the inside for you, Maia. I’ll miss you. As one of Anne’s students wrote to her (well, plagiarized, really, but that's a longer story...)

“Dearest teacher, good night. The sun has set and the stars are shining… stars that are as bright and beautiful as your eyes… May God watch over you and protect you from all harm. Your afecksionate pupil,”

Paula

*I just have to add that, after writing this, I went for an evening walk in town. I had just missed a rain shower, the trees and porch roofs were still dripping, and the air smelled of softness and cut grass and hope. I started considering that Water is the last of the 5 Elements, the end of the cycle, it’s death and finishing. However, one of our co-teachers last year taught us that the circle never ends- it’s a spiral, so each completion moves up or down a level, because the end of something is the beginning of something else.

My thoughts from how fitting it was to be walking in the Water during Spring (Wood, the beginning of the cycle) thinking of the transitions my teacher and I are both making, to thinking how fitting it was to be walking there in that particular spot. Unbeknownst to me when I moved into my great little apartment last Autumn, this is the area Maia grew up in. I’m beginning my true life in the place where she began her life too, and now she’s finishing her cycle as I’m starting mine.

Now, I know that moving away from here is nothing new for Maia, she’s lived lots of different places, even Ireland for a time when she began her herbal training. But still, it’s fitting.

Merry meet, Maia.

 One good thing that has come of my teacher closing her Chestnut Hill shop is that everything went on sale! I picked up Matthew Wood’s 2 volume set, The Earthwise Herbal and just happened to come across this (remember, I don’t believe in coincidences!):

“The tradition is very precise in associating the rose with the heart and the eyes. By comparison, hawthorn, the tree of the faeries, is associated with the heart and the tongue.” (Emphasis in original)

He also speaks to traditions of rose petals healing sight and nonmaterial vision.

Several months ago I started experiencing eye strain when I started reading more online. My teacher suggested I try Blueberry Solid Extract, and gave me a half-jar she had in the back of her fridge to get started. On a whim, she gave me most of a jar of Hawthorne Solid Extract too. It also strengthens the cardiovascular system, though not as specifically to the eyes as Blueberry, and she didn’t need it anymore so suggested it couldn’t hurt. Hawthorne is also a classic heart herb, of grief and loss, and since I was going through some personal loss at the time I saw it as a double-whammy.

Rose is another classic herb of the heart, more along the lines of love and passion. One of our practice clients last year was given Avena Botanical’s Rose Petal Elixir and she almost immediately stopped taking it. We theorized, based on her condition and reaction, that it had too profound an effect on her heart, opening her more than she was prepared to allow.

As I was finishing my latest jar of Hawthorne, I had been thinking that I didn’t really need that remedy anymore. It’s the perfect time to move onto Rose now. Hawthorne helped me express my loss and not let it stagnate in my soul. I’m ready to open my eyes and my heart to the world again, and let warm loving people in.

Last night I made herb balls, a favorite medicinal food. To half a container of tahini (8oz, I guess?) I added the last of my molasses, maybe ¼ cup? (Tahini is high in micronutrients and trace minerals, and molasses is also high in minerals and Iron.) I mixed in 4 tablespoons of powdered Rose petals, 1 tablespoon of powdered Gotu Kola (to help my crazy unfocused brain stay on track) and 1 tablespoon powdered Horsetail (high in silica, I’ve been getting lots of hang nails.) This gave me a nice cookie dough consistency, and I rolled it into 18 balls.

18 balls divided by 18 teaspoons of herbs (1 tablespoon is 3 teaspoons) makes a nice even 1 teaspoon per ball. My dosage is 1-2 per day. Let’s see how I feel in about a week and a half!

There is some literal work I have been doing around my heart lately, which I didn't really put into perspective until this most recent Full Moon Habit came to me.

First, I've been getting acupuncture (5 Element style, from this wonderful lady) for the past 6 weeks. I went to her as one of those obnoxious clients who doesn't really have anything wrong but wants to try it out! With her infinite wisdom, she's been treating me anyway. One line she has been pursuing is strengthening my Fire, especially my Heart Protector, allowing me to open up more.

So I've been thinking about my social-ness, my habits of Introversion, and my interactions with people over the last 2 months and wow! Things have been different! I even had a little party at my house, all by myself! This is very unusual; that is my sanctuary! And it was a wonderful gathering.

Today was busy- Herb Day at Barefoot Garden where I got to be helpful and label some of the herbs for Linda (which allowed me time to find some exciting choices), back to a friend's house to check up on and visit with their pups, then to a tea party in the city to learn to make vegan coconut yogurt (amazing). Yesterday was similar- a workshop where I made my very own worm composting bin, and one of my favorite plant sales of the year, lots of driving and doing.

So this morning I ran the shower on my heart. While I washed my hair, instead of turning off the water as usual, I turned my chest up to the hot water and let it warm and open. I hardly even thought about it, in fact I was already doing it before I recognized the importance. This was another literal interpretation of my  moon habit, and it was astonishing.

Usually I only have enough in me for one event over a weekend, especially when I'm dog sitting at a friend's house. This busy weekend should have left me a zombie, yet here I am! Happy, ready for a new week, with new ideas percolating from talking with the cafe's owner today. I'm curious to see if this energy sustains over the next several days.

The point is this: the term "heart opening" is MUCH broader, and more nuanced, that I expected.

And this: we can grow, and expand, and change within ourselves, while still honoring our authentic, fundamental selves. I can't be like my outgoing friends who thrive on time with others, but that time doesn't have to drain me, either. Now that I have had the experience, I can try to mindfully recreate the feeling of opening and filling my heart with warmth and happy anticipation and peace, whenever I need it.

And this: we can get help to reach our goals.

I am my own worst client; I can hardly help myself when I don't feel well. Knowing my challenges helps me empathize with my 'real' clients, and their successes remind me to become someone else's 'real' client too. We can't be subjective (part of our situation) and objective (detached from our situation) at the same time, we can't be client and practitioner, parent and child, teacher and student. One role will always win out, and in my experience it's the one where I've spent more time. (I find it VERY hard to take a pilates class, after being an instructor for almost a decade!)

So we can and should enlist the help of others, even others who are similar to us. I take kickboxing classes when I can at a fitness center near my house, so I can fully immerse in the student role. I know a fair amount about helping people get well, but I need to be treated by others to heal myself. There must be other places in my life where I expect both sides of the coin from myself, and that is a new area of awareness to cultivate.

Opening the heart, allowing others in, allows them to help too. Maybe it's on purpose, like in the case of my acupuncturist, or maybe it's a side benefit, like the feelings of acceptance and pleasure I had at this tea party today. The opposite is true also- being open allows our energy to help others in unintended ways, and there's no such thing as coincidence or unintended! Doesn't our world deserve a little more Heart Energy, also known as Love, anyway?

Well.

That last 'habit' didn't yield much, did it? I just couldn't come up with many recipes that you just had to have. I guess they'll get added as we need them, hmm?

However, onwards and upwards!

This afternoon is our next Full Moon, the Full Flower Moon. Jamie Ridler asks, "How do you want to bloom?" and that question inspired me.

I've been working on Love- self-love, and understanding-others-love, and patience-love. Also, one of my weekly meditations includes this phrase, which I use as a mantra often:

Energy has been a problem for me, so I've been using this idea: I don't have to create or find or force my energy. Simply by loving [enter situation or concern here] I'll have the energy to get through it. And when I actively practice this, it works!

The shortfall of energy to get through my day that I have experienced over the last few years has left me very protective of what little I do have. Now that I'm stronger, with more endurance, I'm having a hard time actually using up the energy that I have!

It's time for me to open my heart, to let humanity back in, to stop walling myself away from any and all non-essential uses for my energy.

So for this Full Moon habit, I will be reporting on my efforts to expand the metaphorical heart and let the light both in and out. Won't you open your heart, too?

My morning pancake is, as often as not, dinner! I just love breakfast food for dinner. I think that's because typical American breakfast food is heavy and sweet and almost custom-designed to slow me down and make me sleepy.

This recipe makes a filling meal that is pretty wholesome, so I do like it for breakfast if I have the time.

This pancake recipe is infinitely modifiable. Here's the basic recipe:

Pancake Mix
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup flax meal
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda

To this, I add! Add what? Whatever you can dream up.

So, to 1/2 cup of mix I'll add an egg, and liquid (milk? whey? water? sure!) to make it batter-consistency.

Out of eggs? Add another tablespoon or 2 of flax meal and let the wet batter sit for a few minutes. The flax will act like an egg substitute.

I like to make 1 big cake in my cast iron skillet. Sometimes I'll cut up a banana on it, or sprinkle some chopped nuts, or chocolate chips and some pink Himalayan salt. If possible, I'll do all 3!

Want it savory? Add diced veg- corn, peppers, onion, tomato, chives, whatever. How about diced ham, or smoked salmon? YUM! You could wet it with a broth, or even beer, and make it a proper dinner.

Try it! Let me know how you like it.

We just had our latest new moon, there’s still a few days left in the Meditation Challenge, and I’m loving it! The challenge was on Finding Your Flow, and having gone through the exercises I’m looking forward to letting the lessons percolate and bloom.

For this new moon habit, I thought I’d work with the building energy in a more practical, literal way and build a ‘favorite recipes’ category here on the blog. There are several recipes that I turn to regularly, so you’ll see them over the next two weeks. I warn you though, I am not a photographer and food shots are particularly difficult, so don’t expect much!

To get started, here is one of my mainstays, fall through spring. It’s an Indian dish called Kichari, and traditionally it’s used as a mono-fasting meal during a cleanse. It shows up at breakfast, lunch and dinner weekly in my kitchen, fasting or no!

Kichari
Adapted from a recipe by Lynn Roberts of Banyan Yoga and Ayurveda

1 tb Kichari spice, recipe follows
2 tb ghee, recipe follows
½ c split yellow mung beans
½ c rice
2 c water or more
½ tsp salt or to taste

Melt the ghee in a large pan, and add the spices. Allow the spices to ‘fry’ or ‘bloom’ for 1-2 minutes. Add rice and mung beans and water, bringing to a boil. Reduce heat to simmer, covered, until rice is cooked, about 30-40 minutes.

This is the basic recipe, and there is a lot of room for adjustment here. Some like their rice dryer, like a pilaf, some more soupy. I have added chopped carrots, gobo root, broccoli, sweet potatoes, butternut or other squash, and kale. Sometimes I like it with salsa, and maybe some avocado. Sometimes I use more spice, too.

Ghee
Melt 1 lb butter in a shallow pan over very low heat. It will begin to foam, as the water content in the butter cooks away. You can skim off the foam. Then the solid particles will begin to brown and fall to the bottom. When the browned bits are all fallen and the foaming has stopped, strain the ghee into jars. Save the browned bits for toppings, they’re delicious.

Kichari spice blend
Using equal parts of each, blend together:

• Turmeric powder
• Cumin (whole if possible)
• Fenugreek (whole if possible)
• Fennel (whole if possible)
• Coriander (whole if possible)
• Cardamom seeds (whole if possible)
• Mustard seeds
• Clove
• Ginger
• Black pepper